Questions About Abuse

Questions About Abuse

Trials give you strength, sorrows give understanding and wisdom.Chuck T. Falcon
What is abuse?
There are several kinds of abuse and each kind may take many different forms. Our society is so tolerant of abusive behavior that we often do not even recognize some behavior as abusive. Abuse can be divided into four categories:
  • Physical
    You have been PHYSICALLY ABUSED if another person has:
    • Pushed and/or shoved you
    • Held you down and/or kept you from leaving or getting up
    • Bitten you
    • Kicked you
    • Choked or strangled you
    • Hit or punched you once, twice, or repeatedly, which may or may not have resulted in visible physical injury
    • Tied or otherwise physically restrained you
    • Thrown objects at you that may or may not have hit out
    • Locked you out of your house
    • Abandoned you in dangerous places
    • Refused thelp you (for example, tget medical help) when you were sick, injured, pregnant or if you are physically disabled
    • Locked you in a room or a closet
    • Deprived you of sleep
    • Forced you or the children tride in a car while that person was driving dangerously
    • Forced you off the road or kept you from driving
    • Pulled your hair
    • Dragged you
    • Pulled your arms, legs or other body parts
    • Thrown you down or against a wall
    • Ripped your clothing
    • Threatened you with a weapon
    • Used a weapon on you
    • Hit or beat you with other objects
    • Stabbed you
    • Burned you
    • Physically abused you as a child

    Sometimes these forms of physical abuse dnot result in physical injury. However, the atmosphere of fear and violence that these acts create is abusive and results in the emotional pain that accompanies physical abuse.

  • Sexual

    Sexual abuse is forced intercourse and sexual violence is the use of sexual actions and words that are unwanted and/or harmful tanother person.

    You have been sexually abused or harassed if a person has:
    • Forced you thave sex
    • Forced you tengage in kissing
    • Made you have sex with other people
    • Made you perform sexual acts you did not want tdo
    • Forced you thave sex after physically or emotionally abusing you
    • Forced you thave sex when you were in sick or bad health
    • Hurt you with objects or weapons while having sex
    • Committed cruel sexual acts
    • Made you have sex with animals
    • Made you pose for sexual photographs or make pornographic films
    • Made you watch other people having sex
    • Forced you intprostitution
    • Insisted on touching you sexually when you did not want tbe touched--either when you twwere alone or with other people
    • Made you strip when you did not want to--when you twwere alone or when others were around
    • Withheld or made you beg for sexual affection
    • Bragged about affairs thurt you
    • Accused you of having affairs
    • Tried tcontrol you with lies or contradictions
    • Tried tcontrol you with emotions (i.e. threatened tcommit suicide if you left)
    • Told you it was your fault when a person physically or sexually abused you, and that you asked for it, deserved it, or liked it
    • Denied that the behavior is abusive or minimized it by calling you crazy or stupid or telling you that you made it up
    • Threatened ttell or told your employer or family that you are a lesbian in order tget you fired or have your children removed
    • Threatened tuse weapons tharm or kill you
  • Emotional/Verbal

    Emotional/psychological abuse is the infliction of psychological or emotional suffering or fear, including actions that lead tfear of violence, isolation or deprivation, feelings of shame, loss of dignity, humiliation, intimidation or powerlessness, and happens over a period of time, or creates a pattern of behavior.

    • You have been EMOTIONALLY ABUSED if another person has:
    • Withheld approval, appreciation, or affection tpunish you
    • Constantly criticized and/or called you names
    • Told you that nothing you dis good enough nmatter what you dor how hard you try
    • Ignored your feelings or made fun of them
    • Yelled and screamed at you
    • Insulted friends or family, driving them away
    • Put you down in front of others
    • Avoids socializing with you (i.e. going out with you but then ignoring you)
    • Kept you from working or doing tschool, controlled your money, made all the decisions, demanded that you ask permission tdor have anything
    • Didn't let you use the telephone or censored your mail
    • Taken away car keys or money
    • Destroyed, sold, or given away things that were important or of value tyou
    • Kept you from talking tor seeing your family or friends
    • Punished or kept things from the children when angry at you
    • Treated children extra nice, leaving you out when angry
    • Threatened tkidnap the children if you ever left
    • Blamed you for any problems, real or made up, with the children
    • Abused pets thurt you
    • Put down women as a group (for example, called them crazy, emotional, stupid)
  • Financial
    • Financial and economic abuse is a form of domestic violence in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his or her partner.
    • You have been FINANCIALLY ABUSED if your partner has:
    • Taken away money
    • Kept you from working
    • Controlled your money
    • Destroyed, sold, or given away things that were of important value tyou
    • Required you tgive them your pay check each week
    • Forced you treturn items you purchased that are necessary
    • Forced you tbeg them for everyday necessities such as diapers (for children), food and/or health care
    • Refused twork
    • Refused tshare money
According to the Office of Justice Program, domestic abuse results in more injuries that require medical treatment than rape, auto accidents, and muggings combined.

Who is a battered woman?
She can be any woman. Physical abuse occurs in all ages, races, income and educational levels. It can happen to women who are legally married,

separated, living with a man or another woman, or dating.

How many women are battered?
Battering is a hidden crime. It is estimated that 1 in 3 women are/have been battered. Approximately 90% of the victims of domestic violence are women. An estimated 3-4 million American women are battered by husbands, partners, and ex-partners.

Is the woman to blame for the abuse?
No. The batterer is always responsible for the violence. Seventy seven percent of the women in a survey reported that their abuser's assault upon them was NOT preceded by a verbal argument. There is no support for the idea that a woman's behavior causes the battering. It is the batterer's own attitudes and problems that cause the abuser to be abusive.

Do battered women ever feel like they're crazy?
Many abusers are good at manipulating women into thinking they are crazy. The abuser may be a "nice person" to everyone else so other people tell her how lucky she is that they are together. When the abuser hits her and tells her it's her fault, she believes him since no one else makes the abuser so angry. Also, things may be hidden from her deliberately and then she is blamed for losing them. She comes to doubt her own sanity and loses track of what's "real."


Does a battered woman have to be beaten, broken and bloody?
That's the picture that comes to mind when we hear the phrase, "battered woman." Actually, a woman can receive less severe abuse but still feel the same fear, pain, and shame. This is what makes her battered. The emotional scars are just as real as the physical ones.