April 26, 2024, 5:00 am

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A Guide For Friends and Family Of Sexual Assault Victims

Someone you know and care about has been sexually assaulted. They are suffering terror and feelings of helplessness which are perfectly rational responses to their experience. They need time and support to work through these feelings.

 

Your friend/relative's reaction to being sexually assaulted is individual and so is their pain and needs. Let your friend/relative take the lead in their own recovery. Right now, they need to be in control of their actions. Don’t force them in any way. Regardless of how sincere you are, if they feel that you are being pushy or coercive, you won’t be helping.

 

Believe

Believe the experience without question. Do not blame. Whatever the circumstances, this person was not looking or asking to be assaulted. It is very common for the victim of a sexual assault to blame themself.

 

Reassure 

The blame for rape rests squarely and only with the assailant.  There is no way of knowing what would have happened if the victim had acted differently.

 

Respect.

Respect the fear. Assailants commonly threaten to kill or seriously harm the victim if they do not comply.

 

Many victims question whether they were going to live through the experience or not. This fear does not go away when the rapist does. This fear is real. Help them deal with it by finding ways to increase safety.

 

Accept  

Accept the strong feelings. The victim has a right to any emotion. They have a right to be numb, sad, angry, in denial, terrified, depressed, agitated, withdrawn, etc. Being supportive is an attitude of acceptance of all their feelings, an atmosphere of warmth and safety that the victim can rest in. Tolerate the moods, be there.

 

Listen  

Let the victim know you want to listen. Try to understand what they are going through. Practice active listening. 

 

The victim survived

• Find a time to be alone with the victim (Ask what the victim needs from you. Offer to make time to be available to them).
• Let them talk, don’t interrupt.
• Show interest in what is being said by facing the victim and looking at them.
• Nod your head occasionally to let the victim know you are still with them and listening.
• You may feel nervous about silences. Silence is okay.
• If the victim needs help to continue talking, try repeating back the things they have said.

Reassure the victim that they are not to blame. Blaming questions such as “Why didn’t you scream?” are not helpful. Instead you might say, “It’s difficult to scream when you’re frightened.”
 

Take the victim seriously

By paying attention, you will help validate the seriousness of the feelings that the victim needs to work through. Sexual assault is a shattering experience which a victim does not get over in a hurry or alone. It may be months or years before the victim feels fully recovered. Recovery is a process of acceptance and healing which takes time.

 

Stay with the victim

Stay with them as long as they want you to. One of the most upsetting losses experienced by rape victims is the loss of independence and solitude. Many feel too frightened to endure being alone. This will pass with time. Meanwhile, be good company.

 

Let them make their own decisions.

Do not pressure them into making decisions or doing things they are not ready to do. Help them explore all their options. It is essential to respect their confidentiality. Let them decide who knows about the sexual assault.

 

Care

Care about the victim’s well-being and your own well-being. In order to care about your friend, you may need to cope with some difficult emotions of your own. If you are experiencing rage, blame or changes in how you feel about your friend/relative - you can be most helpful to them by finding ways of coping with your own emotions. Sexual assault is not provoked nor desired by the victim. In fact, sexual assault is motivated by the assailant’s need for power and control and their desire to humiliate and degrade the victim. The Sexual Assault Victim Advocacy Program at Safe Avenues has advocates that can help people sort through their feelings and emotions.